Small Blush

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Apparently it’s been over a month since I last posted. Uh. I might be blushing just a bit, because how did I lose all that time? I was doing really well with this consistency, so what happened?

I don’t know.

I have no ready-made excuses. Nothing huge and distracting happened. Except, I was having a hard time figuring out how to put my answer for my last post into words. Could that really have been all that kept me from writing? The anxiety I felt at having to condense a huge idea down into something as confining as words? 

I don’t know. 

Anxiety is one of my big walls. I have a hard time climbing over that huge, craggy block, busting through it in order to write. So many reasons to feel anxious about writing—

The specific selection of words I choose to convey a thought says a lot about me and/or the way I view the world. It’s intimidating to let people see that. Belly up. 

The specific selection of thoughts I choose to convey a situation, discussion, or scene, says a lot about me and/or the way I view the world. It’s frightening to allow people the opportunity to see inside my head. Belly up.

The specific choice of story I select to convey the way I view the world, what I love and hate about society, about the human condition, and what I think should change, says a lot about who I am in society, about my human strengths and flaws, and what I need to change about myself. It’s terrifying to let people see me belly up. 

To name just a few anxieties.

But. One of the reasons I love to write is caught visually at [1:08] of this music video. Did you see it? I have no idea what it is. But I’ve got theories. One of my theories is that, regardless of whatever god(s) or Universe we believe or don’t believe in, we are all part of Something Bigger. And that through creativity and the act of creating, we are able to tap into that Something Bigger. We are no longer just ourselves. 

Which is important because let’s face it, while many aspects of the creative process are social—problem solving with fellow creators, sharing mile stones and end products with others, etc—the actual part where you put derriere in chair and work is not. And it can be lonely. 

I think this tapping into Something Bigger thing is the difference between an A-movie actor and a B-movie actor—in the first we are no longer able to see Brad Pitt, but rather we see Tristan Ludlow, or Tyler Durden, or Gerry Lane. Whereas in a B-movie, the characters still seem to retain a sense of themselves and the story characters are not as believable and poignant. Am I making sense with this analogy?

I don’t know. 

Many people call it The Zone. I love writing in the Zone. I love writing because, for a least a moment, I’m no longer anxious about writing. For at least a moment, I no longer feel like I’m belly up and alone.